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Heather
02 December 2022 @ 09:56 am


In case you are reading my journal without being on my friends, the majority of my entries are friends only so If you REALLY want to know what the hell is going on, add me. The good entries are locked to protect identities and keep me out of trouble.
 
 
Heather
04 August 2009 @ 02:16 pm
So I've decided that it is time to retire ye olde LJ and move on to Blogger. I will occasionally get on here to read your posts but I most likely wont be writing anything.

You can follow me here and here.


Peace and much love to ya!
 
 
Heather
Stupid online scams. Andrew sold his Grandfather's electric chair that helps you get up, you push a button and it like boosts you out of it. He was selling it for 700$ and some guy sent him like 2900$ and told him to wire the remainder to the moving company in TX. I knew it was sketchy, we all did but no one actually stopped him from continuing with the transaction. Well the check bouced and now he's out of the money. The guy doesn't think we know that the check has bounced because he's now asking for the remainder because his "mum is sick in the hospital and she needs surgery," so I'm trying to make him understand that we have very little time to catch him if any. This is absolutely ridiculous and people are awful. We all in the back of our minds knew it was not right but we still chose not to do anything about it.

At least I'm going to get my tattoo today, I'll post pictures later :)
 
 
Heather
17 July 2009 @ 09:49 am
Everything is pretty much the same. I've just been working and hanging around. I haven't had much energy and I really would much rather be in my bed sleeping than sitting here at this desk, doing nothing. I've applied for jobs at Best Buy and I really hope that I get one. I'm tired of working a desk job. Yes, it's nice in the beginning, but I am bored to death. I don't get paid enough and I don't have benefits. At Best Buy I wouldn't have to work a Mon- Fri schedule. I know that sometimes it's nice to have weekends off, but not if NO ONE else has them off. Plus, I hate waking up early every morning. Sometimes it's ok but I want to be able to go out on a freakin Thursday like everyone else. Ok, enough ranting.

My Birthday is coming up soon and we've started to make plans. The thing that is upsetting me the most is that everyone will be going back to school so none of my friends are going to be here. Shena lives in Florida, Emily is going to Radford and so is Ziba. Those are all my close friends, and sure I have more friends, but those are the people that are most important. I know it will still be fun because I'll have Deema and Andrew and of course his friends who I have pretty much adopted as my own, but that's not the point. I want to go back to everyone being so close knit. We have all drifted apart and it makes me sad. Amanda moved back to Long Beach last week too. It's just a part of growing up I know, but it stinks. We all go in different directions and move on different paths.

Andrew and I are doing really well. I can't wait to move out of my stupid house and live with him. I feel like time goes so slow because I want it to hurry up and just be time to get out. Saturday we're going to work on the house so I'm hoping we'll get a lot of stuff done so that I'll be able to start moving over there in the beginning of August. It would be nice to be moved in by my Birthday. I feel like there is a cloud over my head while waiting for my Birthday because it marks a bad time. The last time I saw Carmon was at my Birthday dinner. I just have to get through it and remember to have fun. I know that everything is going really well right now, I just have to remind myself every once in a while.
 
 
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: Silversun Pickups
 
 
Heather
It's 5 months today with Andrew and I <3

First of all, it doesn't feel like it, I feel like it's more. Second, we are really happy, and third I want it to stay this way :). August we're moving into his grandpa's old house and fixing it up for his mom to sell sometime next year. I'm really really excited about it. It will be a nice, much needed change. My house is still hard to tolerate and I just want to get out.

Amanda just got back from rehab in Cali. Amanda is my ex, and was my best friend's (Carmon) girlfriend when she died (See all entries tagged 'C' for more background). She is finally back to normal. She no longer thinks fondly of the person who basically killed Carmon. I am really happy she is better and back home. I went to go see Carmon's brother yesterday and we had a Bar B Que with them. It was really nice considering I hadn't seen him in a while, but it's hard. He is like the spitting image of her. At the same time it comforts me. It got me thinking though. Sam's story just doesn't add up at all. I really hope that bitch goes down. I also hope that Amy (the other girl there that night) loses her baby. Considering she was pregnant doing heroin and let my best friend die, she deserves it. Amy's boyfriend was the one that supplied the heroin so he is in jail right now. I hope the other two don't think they are free and clear. They deserve whatever is coming to them. I miss my friend. Everyday gets both harder and easier somehow. I just have so many emotions about the situation. I'm sad because she's gone, angry because she was stupid and shouldn't have been doing what she was doing and because when she stopped breathing no one was paying attention and when they finally figured out they didn't call 911, and frustrated because I wish I could have done something. I understand that things like that happen everyday, but you never assume that it can happen to someone you know. It only takes one time. Last night Amanda and I talked about a lot of stuff and it really helped. I justreally want to know the truth about everything. It really disgusts me that even after someone Sam supposedly "loved" dies, she still is lying to try to save her own ass. I wish I knew what happened.

Carmon finally got a headstone, and it is beautiful.

All I want it to hear her voice and feel her again.
Tags:
 
 
Heather
26 June 2009 @ 12:59 pm
I just want to get up and quit my job. I'm so sick of being cooped up in this office with no windows. "The Dungeon" as my boyfriend and I call it. It sucks, and I don't get paid enough to tolerate being bored to death ever second of the day. Or be hit on but not really. I wish the economy didn't suck so bad, then maybe I could get another job...
 
 
Heather
23 June 2009 @ 10:56 pm
I don't know how it's possible to feel happy and upset at the same time. I know life is good but I still have this lingering "shit sucks" feeling.

Everything will get better.
 
 
Heather
22 June 2009 @ 04:49 pm
I got back from the beach on Saturday afternoon and when I got home I had a fit. My brother had been staying in my room and it was a mess. He's no longer allowed to use my stuff.

The beach was a little bumpy. I went with Andrew and his family and it was nice to hang out and get closer with them. Andrew and I got in a few fights but overall it improved our relationship I think. I really want to help him grow and mature because I know that he has the potential to be a great man, he just needs a little help and support.

Today was my first day back to work, and it actually wasn't painful. :)
 
 
Heather
21 May 2009 @ 09:55 am
I feel like a crazy psycho. I can't feel secure no matter how hard I try. I really want these thoughts to get out of my head. I'm just so scared. I'm absolutely terrified that he is going to leave me and the more I get scared the more I push him away. I want it to stop. I want to go back to where we started. Everything is so messed up right now in my head. I want to trust him, but then I get scared, and it all goes to shit. I always think of the worst possible scenarios and then I feel stupid later when I find out he was just playing video games. No matter how many times he tells me he loves me and he'd never do those things again I can't make it go away. This is exactly what happened with Dylan before we broke up. I'm trying not to be clingy but it's so effing hard. I'm not usually, I'm just in too deep right now and I feel like I need to take a step back but how am I supposed to do that if I really don't trust him? This is so annoying, why can't I just be numb. I hate feeling this.
 
 
Heather
11 May 2009 @ 09:54 am
He lied to me about his ex calling him the other day.Then Thursday he got drunk and texted this girl that he knows I hate, "Hey sexy across the bar ;)" then, "I miss seeing you."

It makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. He apologized and I realize that he was completely black out drunk but I still believe that there is no excuse. I told him about me drunk dialing Ryan when I was in Florida. I don't know. I'm so confused as to what to do. I tried to break up with him. I just can't be in a relationship like this. I know he loves me but I also believe that if he really truly did he wouldn't do stupid shit like that. I don't want to lose him, but I also cant continue to let my self get hurt. It's been a few days and I have been trying really hard to not get upset but I feel like it's all I can think about. I told him that I forgive him but I can't forget it just yet. He knows that he has to prove himself to me at this point because I don't trust him. I hate this feeling, I really really do.
 
 
Current Music: Band of Horses
 
 
Heather
09 May 2009 @ 10:38 pm
I hate liars. I hate being lied to. It hurts and I wont put up with it. But I have. I will not continue to.
 
 
Heather
30 April 2009 @ 11:30 am
“You can never really know someone completely. That’s why it’s the most terrifying thing in the world, really—taking someone on faith, hoping they’ll take you on faith too. It’s such a precarious balance, It’s a wonder we do it at all.”

— Libba Bray



Yesterday was a much better day than earlier in the week. I went to the Cage the Elephant concert at 930 Club and I had a lot of fun with Andrew and his sister. Some quality bonding time, it was nice. Now lets just keep this up.

When I look at him I yearn.
 
 
Heather
I have been feeling all sorts of torn up lately. I keep picking fights with Andrew, making up reasons in my head not to trust him. I'm in the dark place again. Sadness has crept up and at the worst possible time. I just want to be happy all the time, have a constant grip on it. It constantly is slipping and I hate it. I know that everything is good right now, and I have an overall happiness, but there is just this lingering deep sadness inside of me. It never goes away for good. I am so terrified it is going to pull apart my relationship. I love him so much and I just want him to understand why I get the way I do, but if I don't even fully understand it why should he? I just have to pick up the pieces and put it all together. I will get through this if not for just myself, but for him too.
 
 
Heather
27 April 2009 @ 04:16 pm
Build a wall just for you to break it down,
So many different emotions I could drown.
Demolish the doubt and wash the pain away,
Promise me that you'll always stay.
I can't deal with the hurt anymore,
My heart is wounded and sore.
Hold me close and tight,
Let me know it'll be alright.



I feel really confused right now. Everything with Andrew is fine but I'm getting scared. I'm putting up that wall and worrying myself to death. I cant stop. I just want to trust him, but I can't.
 
 
Heather
13 April 2009 @ 11:59 am
Ok I officially suck at updating this thing and I apologize.

Everything has basically been good. Things with Andrew are still going great and I hope that they continue to. Last weekend though was crazy. It was Deema's(my best friend) 21st birthday so we went out to Adams Morgan which apparently is the highest crime rate in DC, I didn't know that at the time or when we were deciding where to go. Well my phone got snatched right out of my hands while I was texting. I had a G1 Google phone, touch screen and keyboard. That shit cost me 300$ used. After he snatched it I ran after him and got him and I was drunk so I was punching him and trying to get my phone. Andrew came and grabbed him and I guess with all the commotion my phone got dropped and Andrew got punched by some of the guys friends I guess. Someone had picked it up after it fell and ran off with it. Now Andrew has a black eye and I lost my phone, probably one of my favorite most expensive possessions. Needless to say we were both upset. I still don't have a phone. I really don't understand why I have such terrible luck.

I really hope that everything is going well with you all and I'm going to be going back and reading about it all later today, xoxo!
 
 
Heather
31 March 2009 @ 09:53 am
So Thursday my sister Evelyn came home early from school and was throwing up. This weekend EVERYONE who was in my house got friggin sick. Friday Josie, Chuck, and I had it. Saturday Andrew and my mom had it. Sunday Daryl got it. Thank you Typhoid Evelyn. I have been queezy ever since. I forbade Andrew to help me because I hate people seeing me like that. It's gross and I know how to take care of myself very well thank you. However I was happy to help him.

He makes me so happy. :)
 
 
Heather
26 March 2009 @ 10:06 am
Things at home have been pretty crappy. Mom is doing what she does best, smoking too much, not caring enough. I went home on my lunch break yesterday and Josie (my 17 month old sister) was upstairs by herself in the bathroom playing with stuff under the sink. I yelled for my mom and she was downstairs, smoking. She yelled back at me so I ignored her and went about with my business making my lunch and such.
Then she comes in the kitchen and says, "I bet Chuckie ate all my shredded wheat."
Chuckie is my 16 year old brother. My mother never stops complaining about him eating everything in the house, but he's going through puberty, he's a freaking growing boy. Any normal parent would make sure we had enough food to not starve instead of buying drugs.
"What do you expect when there's nothing else to eat? You want us to starve so you can have your shredded wheat?" is what automatically came out of my mouth. She stomped out of the house and slammed the front door. "Yeah, just walk out, like always." I continued to speak because a friend of my moms, who had joined my mother in the smoking, was sitting on the computer.
She just looked at me and said, "I don't want to hear it, you have clothes, your mom has pot."
I laughed and said, "I haven't been shopping in months and I don't have children to take care of or bills to pay." I was so mad I slammed the fridge door and all the shelves fell. Yesterday my mother was complaining to me about how she couldn't pay the power bill, but she bought weed? That makes total sense.

I'm glad she has her priorities straight. Weed, junk food (that she hides from us), husband, bills, food, children.

I'm not speaking to her currently. It will just end up being a screaming match.

Some background on the situation:
My mother used to beat us. Gave me a concussion and the neighbor called the cops on her, they took pictures they made us go to counseling. She blames it on the fact that Charles (My sister Evelyn's dad, she is now 13) beat her. Meanwhile, Charles was sexually abusing us, mother chose not to tell anyone. I told my aunt. Mother and Charles went to jail, he is still currently there.

We were uprooted. I lived with Aunt Jackie, Evelyn with Aunt Jenny, and Chuckie with her too. I went crazy, depressed, and couldn't pass school. Mom would write and say how sorry she was but that it wasn't her fault because she was scared. Still to this day she doesn't think she did anything wrong.

She went through counseling and got us back and got back together with Chuckie's dad. They were clean while she was on probation. They went to meetings etc etc. Once probation ended, so did being clean. Then Pat(Chuck's dad) left and took Chuck. Mom started to see her AA sponsor, Daryl. She pissed me off so we decided to tell on her again to social services because she was smoking pot, we were taken away again.

She eventually got us all back again and now has a kid with Daryl. Things were a lot better for a while but now were back to where we started. We are poor, she doesn't care about us as much as she does her precious husband. He stole money from her and bought crack, but she still didn't leave him. He is constantly threatening us, and everyone else on the planet. He is one angry man, but he never acts on his threats.

Pretty much, My mom picks bad seeds. It brings her down, and then causes us all to be unhappy. I have gotten to the point where I am sick of picking up her slack and worrying about her kids. I love them because they are my brother and sisters but they are not my responsibility. I pay $470 a month to live in a bottomless pit of dysfunction. Without that money my mom would not be able to afford to live in the house they do. It just baffles me that she complains about money and how she can't pay bills but yet she goes to buy weed and bullshit. I hate her right now.
 
 
Current Mood: aggravated
Current Music: kelly clarkson:
 
 
Heather
16 March 2009 @ 04:15 pm
And then there's that one moment, the moment when you’ve figured out just how much you’ve really let go, how much you’ve grown. It takes you back a step and makes you think. Its that moment when you cant look back yet you cant seem to look too far into the future. It’s the moment you realize you're living for yourself and no one else. Never let go of that moment.


I had one of those epiphanies the other day. I realized that I had been living my life the way that everyone else wanted me to. I knew I was doing it, but the point is that now that I'm not anymore, I'm so much happier. I die my hair the way I want, I dress the way I feel, I do exactly what I think I should. I know it seems small but it all adds up and makes me completely happy. I don't have to pretend to be happy anymore because I really am. It feels so nice.
 
 
Heather
I think there's something wrong with me. I can't stop sleeping. I could literally sleep 20 hours out of the day. I am always tired. Now I seem to be cold all the time too. I was thinking maybe I could be anemic or something but the doctor has never told me anything like that. Isn't anemia something that they test for usually when you get blood work and stuff? I don't know. All I do know is that I don't want to pay the $40 copay to go to the doctor and wait for tests that might not even mean anything. Health care sucks. I wish everything was free. Fuck my life and being poor, it BLOWS.

On the other hand, my boyfriend is amazing... even though it was our one month Sunday and he decided to do stupid crap. It's over now though and things are back to normal again.
 
 
Heather
Things are good with the boy. He makes me happy :)

I almost got in a fight with some stupid skank because she called me a slut. All because Andrew "stopped talking to" her friend randomly. Not my problem. Get off my nuts.


Finances are not so great but I'm trying not to think about it and just taking it one step at a time.
 
 
 
 

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